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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29540334">The darkness within</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aryastark_valarmorghulis/pseuds/aryastark_valarmorghulis'>aryastark_valarmorghulis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Canon Compliant, Dark Magic, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, POV Remus Lupin, RS Fireside Tales, References to Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Spells &amp; Enchantments, Tenderness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:13:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,274</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29540334</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aryastark_valarmorghulis/pseuds/aryastark_valarmorghulis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In Grimmauld Place, darkness abounds.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>RS Fireside Tales Vol.3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The darkness within</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Many thanks to the <a href="https://rsfiresidetales.tumblr.com/">RS Fireside Tales</a> mods for this beautiful fest, to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/violentthunder/pseuds/maraudorable">maraudorable</a> for the quick and flawless Beta work, to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ginny_Potter/pseuds/Ginny_Potter">Ginny_Potter</a> for the advice, and to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/shessocold/pseuds/shessocold">shessocold</a> for the support.<br/>My prompt was P38:<br/></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Remus steps into the gloomy hallway, mindful to avoid the troll leg on his left, all the cobwebs hanging from the ceiling sway like ghastly swing chairs, suddenly brought to life by a gust of wind from outside. Both the gas lamps and the overhead chandelier are put out and covered in dust, leaving the portrait walls in half-darkness – even if in the dwindling afternoon hours Grimmauld Place could look less gloomy with some light, Remus is glad that the unlight and the eerie silence let him reach the staircase without waking up the portrait of Mrs Black. </p>
<p>He’s shivering under his patched robes and his left knee is sore again, causing him to <em>walk funny</em>, as Tonks kindly put it. </p>
<p>Remus calls for Sirius as soon as he steps into the empty drawing room, but no one answers. The vacant fireplace stares back at him like a gaping, dead mouth, and the fraying velvet curtains hang limp and dusty with disuse. A wave of dread runs over his spine, a by-now familiar terror seizing his limbs every time he comes back and doesn’t immediately see Sirius. He drops the takeaway bags he's carrying on the floor. </p>
<p>“Sirius! Where are you?” he almost shouts, running up the stairs two at a time. </p>
<p>He could have buggered off caution and Dumbledore and escaped outside, and this eventuality isn’t even the worst of scenarios crowding his worried mind.</p>
<p>But then a loud bark answers him from upstairs, and Remus can breathe. He sighs and scolds himself for being so utterly paranoid over nothing; Sirius’ room is on the fourth floor, and he was probably taking a nap as Padfoot, as he often does. </p>
<p>“Hullo, Padfoot,” he says, as soon as he limps upstairs and spots the huge black dog lying on the bed, comfortably nestled in a fuzzy blanket. </p>
<p>Padfoot whines in response, rising up on his front legs and dutifully licking Remus’ hands – well, drooling all over him, actually, but Remus doesn’t mind at all. Relief and something fuzzy and comfortable akin to happiness uncoil his tired muscles, and Remus chuckles when Padfoot puts a giant paw on his shoulder to slobber all over his neck and cheek. His warm breath, raspy tongue, shaggy fur smell of <em>home </em>in an old, bone-deep way his guts always associated with Padfoot – and his human counterpart, of course. </p>
<p>“Yes, I’m happy to see you, too,” Remus says, spitting some dog hair.</p>
<p>When Padfoot seems satisfied enough, he curls up on the bed again, ears perked up, black eyes fixed on him. </p>
<p>Remus tries to quash the disappointment when he realises he’s not shifting back yet, sits next to him, the mattress creaking under their combined weight, and strokes his back lazily. It makes sense, actually: over the summer Sirius explained how sometimes it’s easier being a dog, that thoughts and emotions are simpler and more basic, so it’s an understandable way to cope when one’s a prisoner in this horrible house. Still, Remus’ eyes wander over the untidy room, dust bunnies collecting in the corners, unmade bed, stale air, bottles of Firewhiskey lined up on the windowsill like empty sentinels, trying not to feel he’s been neglecting Sirius like the worst partner (boyfriend? But they aren’t nineteen anymore. Exes turned best friends and lovers again? Too complicated) in the history of wizardkind. </p>
<p>“I’m going to take a quick shower,” he says, trying to infuse some cheerfulness in his voice. “And then we’re eating dinner because I’m starving. I bought all your favourite Chinese food, it’s all downstairs, alright?”</p>
<p>Padfoot wags his tail in excitement, and that must be the most enthusiastic Remus has seen him since Christmas. </p>
<p>A black cloud lunges at Padfoot’s head like a huge raven, and Remus draws his wand, Sirius shifting at his side, but the shadow vanishes into nothing, the bedroom back again to its usual dull greyness. </p>
<p>“What the hell was <em>that</em>?!” Remus cries out, pointing his wand at the walls and the ceiling, while Sirius, his own wand drawn out, checks under the bed and behind the curtains. They try Revelio and Reparifarge, but nothing; Remus refrains from more aggressive spells before they have an idea of what magic they’re dealing with. Remus’ memories of the years spent studying old spells and meeting dark creatures unfurl quickly in his mind, but a fleeting sight of something dark and flimsy isn’t enough to carry out an assessment. </p>
<p>“Another Black dark magic souvenir, I expect,” Sirius suggests, shrugging and seeming not at all bothered. He pushes his long hair out of his face, yawns and, to Remus’ surprise, reaches out to grab a handful of Remus’ tattered robes and kisses him on the mouth. “I’m happy to see you, though. I’ve missed you,” he whispers, and he presses against him so Remus can feel that a specific part of Sirius has definitely missed him. </p>
<p>“Sirius!” Remus pushes him away and turns on the spot to check behind him but finds nothing. “You <em>did </em>see that giant dark shadow hanging over us and coming out of nowhere, right? We should focus on that!” He shakes his head, dread and confusion clenching unpleasantly in his guts. </p>
<p>Sirius huffs and scratches his beard. “You know, after the biting snuffbox, the boggarts in every cupboard, the spider-like tweezers, the clock that shoots bolts and the strangling robes, the novelty of the many wonders of Grimmauld Place wears off… And none of that stuff was mortal anyway, just <em>mean</em>. Like the house and those who lived in it.” </p>
<p>He says it in a detached, matter-of-fact tone, complete with an ironic glint in his stormy eyes that means <em>you turned out to be such a worrier</em>. </p>
<p>Remus shakes his head and casts another Reparifarge first, then a general counter-spell, but again, nothing. He doubts that anything hidden in Grimmauld Place can be so easily disposed of, but it’s worth a try. Sirius is right in a way, nothing they found that summer was deadly for a competent wizard, but after years in the field, Remus learned to never underestimate danger. Sirius, on the other hand, always courted danger, and those months of reclusion only made him more reckless – he would probably find it incredibly funny to fight an evil shadow, or whatever that was, while they were fucking. </p>
<p>“Did you open any weird boxes or nooks earlier?” Remus asks. He pokes and prods the upholstered walls with his wand, but to no avail.</p>
<p>“Of course not!” Sirius plops back on the unmade bed, and Remus tries very hard not to scold him for being so careless. “And I thought we cleaned up every foul thing there was in this house last summer, Moony.”</p>
<p>And that’s exactly why Remus is worried; he was sure they eradicated whatever dark magic was hidden inside these walls. And yet, apparently not.</p>
<p>“You don’t think it’s a Leithfold, do you?” Remus asks, half-joking and half-serious. </p>
<p>Sirius laughs his warm, barking laugh. At least one of them is having fun and isn’t jumping at every shift of light between the curtains. </p>
<p>“Last time I checked, Leithfolds are found only in tropical climates and attack people while they’re asleep,” Sirius explains. He’s right, of course. “But if it makes you feel better…” </p>
<p>A huge silvery Padfoot shoots out of Sirius’ wand and happily trots through the room, before settling on the rug. Nothing comes out of the thin air. </p>
<p>Remus’ wary shoulders relax a little. “Alright, now I’m going to write Alastor and Mine–”</p>
<p>The shadow twirls next to the bed, like a little tornado. </p>
<p>“<em>Stupefy!</em>” Remus shouts, while Sirius yells: “<em>Flipendo!</em>” </p>
<p>A red light and an orange jet crash together with a hiss, sparkles fizzling in the air; the Patronus sits placidly on the floor, his silvery halo lightening the room, no ominous shadow in sight. Remus can feel his thumping heart and nothing else. </p>
<p>“Fine, now I’m interested,” Sirius says, standing up and pointing his wand at the particles of dust floating above the bed, where the shadow was mere seconds ago. </p>
<p><em>Not the word I’d use</em>, Remus thinks, and conjures two Shields in front of them. At least Sirius seems alert now. </p>
<p>“Look, humour me for a moment, will you? Can you think about everything you did today and describe it?” Remus asks. </p>
<p>Sirius turns, a grin playing on his lips. “Is that your <em>professor Lupin </em>voice? Because I’m intrigued – to say the least.”</p>
<p>Remus just stares at him, stunned as if Sirius just hit him with a curse, for a moment. “You know, there’s an unknown <em>entity </em>in your room, and we haven’t the faintest idea of what it is or what it wants, and yet the thing I’m most worried about is your attitude.” He wants to grab him by his stupidly broad shoulders and just shake some sense into him. Maybe he should, since Sirius is doing his annoying act where he sighs and rolls his eyes heavenwards like Remus is the one being unreasonable. The <em>nerve</em>. </p>
<p>“Moony, come on. I refuse to be scared when my Patronus lies there licking his paws.”</p>
<p>At least this objection has a grain of reason in it – if that <em>thing </em>meant some harm, the Patronus would’ve at least chased it away – but still, they don’t know what they’re dealing with, and Remus dislikes being in the dark. Mysteries bother him. They need to be uncovered. </p>
<p>“Just humour me, darling? Please?” he repeats, fully aware that <em>darling </em>is a dirty trick, but he’s not above it when Sirius refuses to cooperate. It works, because Sirius lets himself fall gracelessly into the stuffed armchair and grunts. </p>
<p>“So, I woke up late, around ten, I ate the eggs and bacon you left me – thank you, by the way, they were delicious – I wrote a letter to Harry, insulted Kreacher, came back upstairs, listened to that Nirvana record you gave me, read a bit, drank some Firewhisky, took a nap, and then you came back. That’s it, Professor.”</p>
<p>Well, that’s admittedly nothing out of the ordinary. “And the only two rooms you went in were the kitchen and your room?”</p>
<p>Sirius nods. “And the bathroom, of course. I’m afraid your little investigation isn’t going far, love.”</p>
<p>They both used all the three rooms yesterday night and afternoon, when even Tonks and Kingsley passed by, and nothing seemed amiss. So whatever happened, happened today, but if Sirius didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, then maybe Kreacher...</p>
<p>“I think we should send a Patronus to Alastor and Minerva and then go talk to Kreacher, I'd like you to ask him a couple – <em>Protego!</em>”</p>
<p>Remus sees it clearly for a moment, crashing against the Shield, before it vanishes. </p>
<p>“I’m alright, it didn’t touch me,” Sirius says, and then he stands up. </p>
<p>It’s not a shadow, it’s a flock of tiny black dots flying together, nothing Remus has ever seen before. </p>
<p>“I – Moony, I was reading a book before taking a nap.” Sirius rummages through the bundled up bedcovers and fishes out a leather-bound book. </p>
<p>Remus spots the title,<em> Magick Moste Evile, </em>etched in gold faded letters on the spine; that doesn’t bode well. </p>
<p>“I think I accidentally cast… this spell.” Sirius opens the book at the beginning of the second chapter and points at the picture of a cloud made of many dots hovering above a woman happily playing with a cat. </p>
<p>The chapter is titled <em>The Art of Commanding the Spirit </em>and the first spell reads:</p>
<p><em>Nothing but the mightiest witch or warlock shall be powerful enough to release the darkness within. One must, with a sound heart, Summon a wax candle</em>,<em> and as all wax is consumed, Cast the moste arduous Spell METUM DEPELLO, twice. </em></p>
<p>
  <em>Very few witches and warlocks Cast this Spell, for the moste powerful seldom desire to be parted from the darkness they hold within, and the less powerful cannot Cast it. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>When the darkness within is released from the body, it must be put immediately into a jar and protected at all costs, for if the darkness roams free, it longs to be reunited with the body it belongs to, and if it is damaged (only Fire can harm it), it will irremediably damage the heart of the witch or warlock.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>“Sirius, what the hell have you done?! How? I almost Stunned it! <em>A part of you</em>! And why didn’t you say anything?” Remus can’t manage to conceal the sheer shock, and Sirius strokes his beard, embarrassed. </p>
<p>“I swear, Moony, I didn’t realise I cast this spell, you have to believe me. I didn’t even have my wand in hand, I was just reading, and feeling… low, and thinking how nice it would be, to be free of the – the darkness within, whatever that is. It’s not even the worst spell in this book, look at the index… Full of ghastly things...”</p>
<p>Remus closes his eyes and groans. <em>Whatever that is. </em></p>
<p>Wizards are no good at seeing what belongs in light and what in darkness, or handling mental health, and this book is ancient anyway; of course strange medieval folks invented a spell to get rid of the darkness within, and of course they would vaguely name it “darkness”. They didn’t have another word for it. Who even knows what they truly meant: painful memories, guilt, grief, trauma, depression. And of course, <em>of course</em>, Sirius would subconsciously want to get rid of it, even without fully understanding what <em>it </em>is. </p>
<p>Sirius needs help, and that doesn’t come from a book of questionable spells, nor from being holed up in this evil house all the time with a mad house-elf and the portrait of his mother. He wishes he could help, but he doesn’t know how. </p>
<p>“Let’s send those Patroni, shall we?” Remus says instead, and they send the silvery wolf to Moody and the dog to McGonagall. “But I think the best course at this point is, well, to let it in, where it belongs,” he adds, a second later, after recasting the two Shields. He had to say it, as much as it sounds cold and rational. He bets Sirius won’t find his professorial tone charming this time. </p>
<p>“Oh, I knew you’d say that.” Sirius chuckles, an odd, resigned sound in the still, silent room. “Put the darkness back inside because I’m not myself without it since the true me is, well, tainted.” </p>
<p>Remus’ heart breaks a little. “Oh, Sirius, darling, that’s not true, and not at all what I meant!” He grabs both Sirius’ warm, big hands and looks him straight in the eyes, hoping Sirius believes at least half of what he means to convey. “You’re not tainted, because that <em>darkness</em>, whatever it is, can’t taint you, alright? Yes, it’s part of you, as painful as it is, but it’s not all of you. It’s not <em>you</em>, or who you are. I believe it would be naive to – to cancel the darkness within ourselves… Because what is light without darkness, or fire without the cold, or music without silence? You are good and strong because of your choices, not because you suppress a part of yourself. Am I making any sense?”</p>
<p>Sirius smiles a little and leans in to press his mouth to Remus’ forehead. “You always make sense, Moony, I know you do, but” – he sighs – “it’s nice. I’m in a good mood and <em>so </em>happy to see you, and, well, I’d just love to have dinner and a cigarette and then shag, and... I don’t feel anymore like I did just this afternoon – like I fell inside a fucking black well without the faintest idea of how to get back up and with this great urge to set everything on fire.”</p>
<p>Remus knows. He remembers. He’s felt that way so many times during the last decade, and it never truly goes away. It can get better, but somehow it’s always there, lurking like a shadow in the corners of life. The spell seems fitting, now that he thinks about it. </p>
<p>He hates being powerless and useless when it comes to helping Sirius, so he just takes Sirius’ face in his hands and smooths the lines at the corners of his eyes with his thumbs. </p>
<p>A silvery light swooshes in, settles into the shape of a tabby cat with markings around her eyes and speaks with a stern, no-nonsense voice. </p>
<p>“Sirius, let the shadow back inside yourself as soon as it manifests again; I dare say it will not hurt at all since it is part of you, just like it did not hurt when you separated from it. I will add that while it is quite impressive that you cast a spell of that level, wandlessly even, it would be wiser to avoid severing what is meant to be whole, and to avoid attempting, unwittingly as it happened, this kind of dangerous magic. My best regards to both you and Remus, and please do let me know immediately how it goes. If needed, I will Apparate there at once.”</p>
<p>The same message, but with more swear words and less compliments, comes a moment later from the shimmery cloud that is Moody’s non-corporeal Patronus. </p>
<p>“Fine, fine, you all win,” Sirius throws his hands in the air, accepting defeat. “I admit it is strange, to think about James and to be… just glad I got all the good memories. It’s not – it’s off, isn’t it? Alright, just vanish this damn shield and let’s get it over with, but I warn you, my hard-on might not make a comeback later this evening.” He says the last part as a deflecting joke, to dissipate the tension, and Remus smiles even if he sees right through it. </p>
<p>“‘s alright, Padfoot, I’m quite tired anyway. Ready?”</p>
<p>Sirius nods and braces himself, while Remus vanishes the shield with a flick of his wand and holds his breath. Nothing happens and they both look around the room nervously. The silvery Padfoot casts a bright halo across the floor. </p>
<p>And then it comes, floating through the air like an ethereal curtain, and Remus panics for a moment, because what if it hurts, what if they’re all inflicting Sirius more pain, but the shadow melts as soon as it touches Sirius’ chest. </p>
<p>Sirius shrugs. “Well, that was anticlimactic.”</p>
<p>“How do you feel? Are you alright? How was it?” Remus asks, touching and prodding Sirius’ chest as if he might find a scar or a sign, but the fabric of his sweater is intact and Sirius looks as unperturbed as he did before. </p>
<p>“I didn’t feel anything, I feel… myself. Still fucked up, but that’s me.” Sirius attempts a smile that’s half sad and half reassuring, and Remus just melts into him, hugging his waist and resting his cheek on Sirius’ shoulder. </p>
<p>“Good, good, like Minerva and Alastor said, then. I’m glad – I’m sorry, but I’m glad... I wish I could help,” he says, and even if it doesn’t make much sense, Sirius pets his hair and hums like he understands.</p>
<p>“You do help, you do… I guess some things just can’t be fixed, with or without a spell.”</p>
<p>The truth is, Remus doesn’t believe he would cope if something happened to Sirius, so he’s just happy that he’s here, tall and strong and smelling faintly of dog and Firewhisky, even if he’s a mess, even if they both are. They’re together at least, and they should be more self-indulgent with themselves and with each other, he thinks.</p>
<p>“Dinner?” Sirius asks. His voice is low, gruff, and so, so familiar, and Remus kisses him sweetly, beard pleasantly scratchy on his shaved cheeks. </p>
<p>“Of course. I brought you Chinese.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The words and actions of the characters don't reflect the author's opinions on depression and how to deal with it. Sirius doesn’t think he can be helped, but you can be. Take care of yourselves ❤<br/>(The spell and the book page were made by the author of the fic)<br/>find me on <a href="https://aryastark-valarmorghulis.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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